Venting

I have set myself the long-term goal of not only excelling in research, but also showing refugees and others from less privileged backgrounds how far you can take it in academia through hard work. Since I struggled myself to find someone with a similar background and goals to look up to, I hope to be that person for someone else one day. However, I recently realized that my posts on LinkedIn have all been good news regarding my achievements. That is not the example I want to set. Over the years, I have learned far more from failure than from the short-lived happiness of success. So I told myself that I would also share my next academic failure.

Unfortunately, that came sooner than expected, and it was my biggest setback so far. Recently, I applied to Stanford’s PhD program in Computer Science and to the Knight-Hennessy Scholars program. I had the opportunity to interview with the professor I hoped to work with, which usually indicates that you are among the stronger candidates in the pool. I was also selected as a finalist for the scholarship out of thousands of applicants across all disciplines. This meant I was invited to their Immersion Weekend in March at Stanford. Flights were booked, and the hotel was arranged.

Two days ago, when the PhD decision day arrived, I turned off “work mode” on my phone to make sure I would not miss a call. There was no call. There was an email, and it was a rejection.

That also meant everything was over for me concerning the KHS finalist experience.

The possibility to work with my prospective PhD advisor on privacy-preserving systems as a KHS scholar, at the heart of where much of the technological landscape is being shaped, just flew out of the window. And now I have no idea whether I should take another shot next year or pursue other PhD options I am fortunate to have.

It is not as though I am playing the lottery. I know my profile, my skill set, and where I still need to improve. My background does not perfectly align with my current research interests, and I don’t have a peer-reviewed publication yet. This is not an issue in itself, but it does mean my profile is not yet ideal. And when you aim for top PhD programs in the US as an international applicant, everything needs to be close to perfect.

If I try again next year, will I manage to secure a nice publication in time? I don’t know. What happens with my BAEF fellowship if I delay my PhD? I don’t know. Can I even manage to fill another year with different research positions? I don’t know.

All I know is that tomorrow I will be back to work with the same belief as ever, and I will figure the rest out along the way. I am privileged to be working on a very cool research project at the moment. After all, as long as I keep improving myself and broadening my research experience, everything else is secondary. So let’s just enjoy the show.